The Relaxation Gene

I am so happy to report that Sadie got the relaxation gene. She clearly got that from Jeff, because my idea of relaxation is to run to lay down after a 15-hour day of work, exercise, self-care, and socialization.

Not so little Sadie. She likes to lounge and I like that about her! She likes to hang out in the Bjorn and in our arms and as long as we are holding her correctly-- in the "Princess Perch," where we face her out and create a perch for her with our arm-- she's happy to hang out until her next feeding, or if she is inclined to even deeper relaxation, her next nap.

She actually does seem to be a pretty chilled out LP. Jeff calls her TLP for "the little person," because we are sort of surprised how much she is a little person. It's unbelievable. She's persnickity about a few things, but so long as we comply, she's just smiley and relaxed and it's a thrill to be around her.

Yesterday, we went to visit our friend Nicole, who had twin boys 3 weeks ago. We thought Sadie was so small and fragile until we saw what 8lbs babies look like. Of course, Sadie was born at 8 lbs, but now she's a blazing 11lbs and counting. I thought she was getting heavy to hold, but I can't tell from looking at her on a daily basis, but when we put her next to Nicole's sons, it was amazing to see how she's grown. Our third pediatrician visit is next week (for her 2 month birthday) and I can't wait to get official confirmation of her weight and height. She still seems really long and lean to me -- again, more from her dad's side, those long, lean Ellis'.

This weekend was great fun. We did an elaborate photo shoot, the pictures from which I will post very soon. She's got so much personality and it's so fun to see it in pictures. She can go from smiling to crying in less than .05 seconds, and vice versa. Now, there is some mommy in that for sure! She's found her hand and loves to suck on it. She also loves the Baby Bjorn, as long as she's facing out, so we've been cruising around the neighborhood getting out and about.

I have been getting some exercise, which seems important these days as my moods seem a bit erratic. To be fair, it's still a huge time of transition-- I have only known Sadie, our new roommate and lifelong companion for less than 2 months. Also, I am still digesting that my long-time therapist has prostate cancer. It's not really all about me, but for the parts that are about me, I find the whole Therapist With Cancer theme as a potential obstacle for my trust issues. I haven't seen him since the surgery that allegedly led to the removal of said cancerous prostate, but he's supposed to be back in the office on Friday. Can I just say that I am quite nervous about the first post-prostate-removal meeting? What am I supposed to say? I can imagine making a joke to break the tension or to front the issue? I have been resisting the urge to research prostate cancer on-line because I am afraid of what I will find. In addition to finding articles that will ensure my greatest fear: He will die and I will be a new mom with no therapist, I will likely find out about impotence and urinary issues. Now do I need that?

No, I do not need that.

Anyway, the whole thing has been a very upsetting and harsh introduction to cancer. I have never had any first-hand experience with it. I keep wishing I could nominate someone else to have cancer, not my primary support outside of Jeff and my someone so important to my life. Couldn't God have picked someone less important to my life? I know, it's very unseemly to wish cancer on the lesser service providers in my life and I am doing nothing to help my already besmirched karma, but Jesus, my therapist? That's harsh. That's really harsh.

Instead of sitting around weeping and wondering how I will manage breast feeding annd sitting shiva for my therapist, I am going to find a 5K run that has a theme of eradicating cancer. Any kind of cancer. In the meantime, I can look forward to really rich sessions exploring my propensity to futurize and assume the worst case scenario. After all, he's not dead and look at Arnold Palmer: he's survived prostate cancer for almost 2 decades.

Humble Pie

After yesterday's doctor's visit, I got the go ahead from the Medical Professionals to do whatever I want physically. The doctor's exact words were you have "no limitations." In light of the "no limitations" diagnosis, I decided today that I would see where my body and mind are regarding exercise. Here's what I discovered:

I actually do have some limitations. One of them is my oversized stomach, one is my oversized breasts that are full of milk, and the third is my pride. I stalled as long as possible and with Jeff's support I got out the door for what I hoped would be a nice, easy 10-20 minute foray into the world of cardiovascular exercise, a world from which I banished myself about 10 months ago. The first few steps were the hardest. I didn't recognize my body at all. I could tell that my heart and lungs were in great shape and ready for some exertion, but I was very disconcerted about this floppy stomach I have. I wasn't hating it, although it stretches reality to claim that I was loving it, it was more that I just didn't know how to mechanically do something I used to do before it showed up.

As for the breasts, well, they have been big for a long time. They were big when I ran two marathons, but now they are full. They are heavy and I don't actually have a sports bra to contain them. So that was another hurdle. These are my humps and they have done a good job in the indoor context so I patiently took one step after another and after about 3 blocks I remembered how I love to move my body. I stopped wondering what my neighbors thought of me and I stopped worrying about how long it would take to feel more ease during exercise. I really just looked at my shadow and thought very alarming thoughts. The thoughts were alarming because they were almost all positive. If you know anything about me, you know this is borderline apocalyptic.

I thought about the nice breeze and the gorgeous sunset. When a song called "Sadie, Sadie" came on my iPod, I thought about my perfect, enchanting little baby. I thought about how loving and supportive Jeff was and how I could not have gotten out the door without his encouragement and belief in balance. I really do get how women put on baby weight and never take it off. I actually get that for a lot of reasons, but without Jeff's support and his willingness to hang out with Sadie while I tool around the neighborhood in my post-surgery glory, I would easily give up, buy a bunch of huge clothes to hide in and never move this body again.

It was hard. Did I mention that my body feels so different now than it did back in October 2008? So much has happened. My body has been the field upon which my family has sprouted and now I am running around the neighborhood at a pace that would probably only beat Bob Barker. And, more miraculously still, I didn't really care. The music was good, the light was coming off the sidewalk without too much glare and everyone I made eye contact with smiled at me. I think I was projecting strength and humility and gratitude. What's not to smile at?

So, another humbling experience. Another first for this after-the-baby period. I am glad it's over. I am also glad that no one I know saw me because I can only take so much humility.

The end.

Babies....

Why so much crying????

Thank You, Recession

The recession has brought many changes to daily life for lots of people, us included. It's surely a longer story, but in short, because of the recession, our law firm offered a year off, which Jeff jumped at since we were having our first baby right when the year off was offered. And, the already-in-place amazing maternity benefits -- including extra time for a C-section-- means that Jeff, Sadie and I spend a lot of time together. And I mean, A LOT.

And, for those of you keeping track, Jeff and I have only been married 9 months so it's not like we have years of experience being right on top of each other working on various projects, such as raising a socially responsible, self-actualized, HAPPY, well-adjusted, independent-but-still-interdependent-with-other-people little girl. We started dating in March 2007, we got engaged in March 2008, we moved into a house together in June 2008, found out about Sadie's existence in November 2008, married later that month, and here we are.

Here we are all together all day long. It's very intense. As we are fond of saying, "it's very intense and very boring, all at the same time."

I have never engaged in so much negotiation in my entire life. The amount of communication that Jeff I engage in day after day in order to run the household is staggering to me, considering I used to go hours at a time without talking to anyone.

Ok, well I would not really ever go that long, but it's a lot of communication about really boring stuff: Are these dishes clean? The baby is asleep, someone should take a shower, do you want to? What should we defrost for dinner? When did you last feed the baby? Are my breasts leaking? Do I look fat?

And that's all before 8:00 a.m. at my house. For the most part I am impressed that we intrepid newlyweds have stepped up to the parenting plate and embraced Sadie and our drastically different lives with joy and enthusiasm. Jeff and I are nothing if not overachieving and determined to be good at the things we do. Parenting is no different. I decided the other day that we have to have other children because Sadie should have someone to share this experience with-- someone else to bitch about her parents when the time comes. I also think that Jeff and I exerting all of our energy-- at least for now-- for Sadie's needs and care is sort of intense and a lot of pressure for one little girl. I really do believe we should spread it around so that all of our attention and projections and love and neurosis isn't aimed right at Sadie.

Also, just in case Sadie doesn't end up with a high earning job, we'll need other kids to fall back on during the years when Jeff and I are infirm and need someone to pay for our round the clock nurse. I will remind Sadie that we got a doula for her-- ok, only one night per week during the month of September-- but with all the healthcare reform about to go down in this great country of ours, that will surely translate to a 15 year stay for Jeff and I at the assisted living home of our choice. In the Cayman Islands.

I really am coming to more acceptance about how much I love her. I probably kiss her little cheeks about 100 times per day. (This is why we need more kids, because that's gonna get old for her really quick once she can talk and assert physical boundaries.) I actually had the thought today when I was holding her in my arms as she fell asleep (hopefully for the night and hopefully for at least 5 hours, please God if you are there give us 5 hours) that I would rather stare at her making funny faces in her sleep and whacking herself with her spastic hands than ANYTHING on the internet.

Anything on the Internet?

That's a bold statement. I mean, the internet has Zappos, and YouTube videos, and Etsy, and all manner of apparel shopping. And, it's the honest truth, that there is nothing more alluring than Sadie's face when she's falling asleep in my arms. And when she woke up briefly and I put my face next to hers she showed me yet another experience that I have never had before when she lifted her little head and projectile vomitted into my my gaping mouth and then smiled the hugest smile I have ever seen spread across her deliciously chubby face.

All I could think was that I hope Sadie uses that smile for good and not evil, because it is so cute and so powerful she could start a world war with it if she wanted to.

I think it's my job to be sure that she never aspires to starting a world war.

Goodnight, World

My sister says that when she puts her son to bed she shuts the window and says, "Goodnight, World." He has started saying it as well. Sadie and I don't really have rituals that involve such adorable stories. Basically, we collapse from exhaustion several times each day, and it looks something like the above picture. I love this picture because it captures my favorite times with Sadie, when she's dozing in my arms and we can both relax and commune.

It's already heartbreaking to think there will come a day when she's too big to lay in my lap like this. Or, heaven forbid, a day when she is going to ignore me because she wants to go to Monopoly's Teen Dance club to dance to Bizarre Love Triangle with her friends. Oh, wait, that was me. Anyway, I keep hearing stories about how teenagers shun their parents, and I am dumb enough to have the secret thought: "that won't happen to us with Sadie."

Can someone please write me a prescription for a reality pill?

Goodbye, Summer

Last weekend, we took Sadie to the park when we went to pick up our vegetables from our CSA. No matter how much I feed her the SECOND before we walk out the door, she, so far, always needs to eat within 10 minutes of reaching our destination. The park we went to on Sunday is literally 1.2 miles from our house. Still, she had a mouth full of breastmilk only 10 minutes before we got in the car, and only 10 minutes into our perusal of the vegetables and fruits, she was belting out screams for MORE MORE MORE. Luckily, there was a park district building we could duck into to feed Sadie. We sat in a little room with air hockey tables and a poster of Barack Obama, feeding Sadie and visiting with my sister, Caroline, who had some into down to meet her now-favorite little Midwestern niece. (My brother's daughter, Lucy, is her favorite southern niece.)
After feeding in the rec room, we had a little family photo shoot in the park. Sadie was exhausted from all the vegetables and the excitement of seeing how we would resolve her crisis in the park, so she slept through most of it. We were excited to get her in the sunlight since we've been a little bit laxed on giving her vitamin D, which pediatricians encourage breast-feeding mothers to give to their babies.
We are so grateful and happy that Aunt Caroline made the trip from Texas to Chicago, especially since she is 33 weeks pregnant with her second son. It's not easy to travel when super pregnant and there is a fabulous wedding in Florida that I missed because I wasn't up for traveling when I was 32 weeks pregnant. It's fun to share these years with my sister; I am glad we are close enough to jump on planes to meet each other's children. In fact, Sadie's first trip will probably be to Texas when we go to meet Caroline's second son.
And, yes, we are bundled up because, even though it was the end of August, it was very chilly and we definitely needed our fleeces that day!
It's also nice to have a houseguest who is a parent or someone who isn't afraid of hearing a baby cry, and cry loudly. Aunt Caroline wasn't rattled a bit when Sadie cried in her arms, and I like that in an Aunt. We, the exhausted parents of a new born and Caroline, the third-trimester beauty, opted not to hit the clubs on Saturday, but to order in and watch "My Cousin Vinnie." Ah, to be on the same page. It's a beautiful thing. So is the bleu cheese burger from Logan Bar and Grill!

So it was a great weekend. We are mourning the passage of summer as we head into Labor Day this weekend. We are doing an overnight trip to Wisconsin tomorrow, so there should be some beautiful scenery in our future. I am a little anxious about traveling with Sadie, but it's only one night; only 77 miles away and only to relax at Lake Geneva. I can't believe how much I love this child and how precious she is to me. I am so much more vulnerable in the world now that I love this much. And, I would write more about that, but I want to go check on her and and poke her so I can be convinced she's just fine, just like she has been the past 199 times I have gone to check on her.

Welcome to parenthood, Christie style.

Time Marching On...

So much has happened in Sadie's young life. We get the cutest gifts for her everyday! And, while we haven't taken her to a Cubs game yet, we have driven her through Cubs traffic, which she did not enjoy. Sadie likes movement, not sitting still in a car where she is strapped in according to safety regulations. Hates traffic....I like that in a baby.
We try to do at least 4 minutes per day of tummy time. Sadie tolerates it gamely for about 2.5 minutes and then it's no good. Sadie likes to see what is going on around her; she likes to participate in her world. Tummy time is no good because she has to work so hard to lift her head, there is no energy left to engage in the scene. We do it because the pediatrician said it will help develop her neck muscles and also so she won't get a flat head from laying on it all day. How do you fix a flat head? Oh, yea, you make your kid wear a helmet so the shape of her head goes back to "normal" (round, that is).

Let me tell you one thing about the prospect of Sadie wearing a helmet. NO EFFING WAY. One of the chief benefits to the C-section -- yes, besides getting to deliver a healthy baby, while staying alive myself-- is that C-section babies come out with very very round heads. ROUND because they never had to contort to get through the birth canal. I didn't sit through a panic attack and 6 agonizing weeks of recovery from MAJOR ABDOMINAL SURGERY so that down the road Sadie would wear a helmet.

I have some strong feelings about that. Can you imagine the post if I get word that Sadie needs a helmet?

Let's not go there.

What else has she been up to?
She had her first visit to an art studio when we popped in for lunch with Joyce. Sadie isn't quite old enough to understand the content of Joyce's current body of work, but we're pretty sure she'll like to mess around with paint and colors soon enough. We're hoping Joyce will help us nurture Sadie's inner artists, since Sadie is blessed with two lawyers for parents.
We also had the second visit to the pediatrician, which went way better than our first. Sadie did not pee on the scale, though I was secretly rooting for her to do it again. She weighed in at a healthy 9lbs 11oz, which means these breasts are cranking out the nutrients for Sadie. She's also in the 95% percentile for her height at 23 inches. I am assuming she gets that from Jeff, who insists he was a stubby little baby. I had been wondering why she was growing out of her onsies in the length department, but she doesn't have a big baby belly yet that I was expecting by this time. I just want her belly to be at least as big as my breasts. Somehow that seems fair to me. She also got her second Hepititis B shot, which was traumatic for her and for me. It's a cliche that it's hard for moms to see their kids get shots, but damn, she was all smiley one second and then BAM! the nurse stabbed her leg with the needle and she looked stunned-- the room stood still-- and then she looked at me with imploring eyes that seemed to say, "How could you? How could you let this happen to me? I TRUSTED you." I kept my eyes focused on her eyes so I could be with her in the pain, but that was hard and I am NOT looking forward to seeing the doctor next time when she gets 4 more shots. I will need a sedative.

Where is that left over Norco?

Because I was a little confused about who the visit was for, and frankly, a little self-absorbed, I stepped on the scale at the pediatrician's office. This is NOT something I normally do and it's unclear to me WHY I felt the need to that. But, I did. Turns out, even after birth, you (or I) may still have over 21.5 (approximately, of course) pounds "extra." Did I really think I would lose the 43 lbs I gained over the course of five measly weeks? And, it's precisely these kinds of questions that waste my time and prove why I am not the person who has any business on the scale at the pediatrician's office, or anywhere else.

Lesson learned. Again.