Saturday, September 19, 2009

Perspective, It's All About Perspective

Last week was a great week in the life of the Tate-Ellis family. First of all, we visited our friend Nicole, who had twin sons (Jack and Max) three weeks ago. Sadie looked like a giant baby next to the little guys and we certainly have a much greater appreciation for what it means to have only one child at a time. Jack and Max are adorable little love bugs and still it looks like demanding work to have twins.

On Thursday night Sadie did something very, very strange. She slept, and slept, and slept. I almost want to say she just about slept through the night. We put her to sleep at 7:20 p.m. and didn't really hear a peep out of her until about 2:45 a.m. Then, I fed her until 3:15 a.m. and she slept again until 6:45 a.m. It was hard not to run into her room screaming, "who is this imposter baby?" but it was our dear sweet one just snoozing the night away. And, of course, I have a theory about this. Friends of mine suggested that sleeping near me, so close to the breast, might keep Sadie awake because she can sense that the breast milk buffet is only one foot away. So, during the Thursday night sleep fest, I decided I would sleep on the couch one floor away to see if she would stay asleep longer. Jeff, the mensch that he always is, decided that he would join me on the couch instead of going down to the first floor for an uninterrupted sleepapalooza. Every time I go upstairs and sleep right next to her co-sleeper (side car for the big people bed) she wakes up within 15 minutes of me getting settled. This business about babies being so sensitive is not a crock of hooey; it appears to be real and operating in our family.

Tonight our dear doula comes for her 11 p.m. - 7 a.m. shift so that Jeff and I both can retire to the first floor for some uninterrupted sleep. I have to say I approach this "scientific" information about Sadie sleeping better the farther away I am from her with great ambivalence. On the one hand, what parent of a little baby wants to hold on to those ragged nights of on-edge catnapping where your nerves get shot as you assume your baby is going to cry at any given moment? Those nights are long and grueling even if the baby ends up sleeping; they are grueling precisely because you never know. And, for all the havoc that type of "sleeping" wreaks on a family, it's still precious. Maybe I can say that because I am optimistically assuming those days of waking up 5 times every night may be becoming part of Sadie's young past. But, some real bonding among me, Sadie and Jeff happened in those nights. We had our little system that we constantly modified in response to Sadie's ever changing needs/personality. Obviously, I will still feed her in the middle of the night and cherish each moment of bleary-eyed snuggling, but the bigger point is that at 8 weeks old, Sadie is already passing through stages. It's time to let go of the super-chaotic newborn sleep gig (here's hoping) and look into some separation at bedtime.

As with almost every single thing associated with this experience (and, frankly, most others as well), I have to let go of my preconceived ideas. I was up for having Sadie in my bedroom for a long time. I didn't mention this to Jeff-- who has been excited to test out the baby monitor that will allow us peace of mind when Sadie is about 10 yards away in her own room-- but I was thinking she'd bunk up with us for at least 6 months. I had visions of her sleeping in her little co-sleeper next to me and visions of her needing me that close to her for months. It appears, however, that she sleeps better and longer if I get up off her grill and give her some space. I feel some sadness about that. It's yet another example of having an idea of how an ideal mother-daughter relationship would unfold between me and Sadie that's really just an idea. In reality, it's probably healthier for everyone to (1) get more sleep; (2) accept separation when Sadie demonstrates she's ready and it works for her; (3) that the parents have physical proximity to one another during the night and not the parent-child; and (4) that I be willing to have my ideal, but also be willing to adapt when it proves that it doesn't produce the best outcome for our family.

She's such a great baby and so perfect for us. We love everything about her. If this sleeping thing is for real, I am nominating her for baby of the year. If this sleeping thing was just a fluke, I am still nominating her for baby of the year. She's the littlest love of my life.

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