Milk of Momnesia

Yesterday was a big day in room 1396. Sadie hazed us like we were college freshmen trying to join a fraternity. She's earned her reputation as being "fiesty," an adjective that more than one nurse has applied to her. (And make no mistake, I take it as an affirmation every single time. I could not be more proud.) It all began innocently enough at 3:00 p.m. when I realized that my maternity shirt barely fit over my chest because my milk came in. Because I am in the haze of early motherhood this event is equivalent to winning the Pick-3 Lotto game. I have heard more stories from moms about milk not coming in or moms being traumatized by having to supplement weak flow with formula to know that I sincerely did get a huge gift when my breasts began to weep the white, calcium-rich nectar. I was literally doing the river dance in my room, scaring the baby and amusing my husband. I think the milk coming in was overwhelmingly joyful for three main reasons. First, so little of my labor went like I wanted it to, that I really just wanted the universe to give me a pass on the breastfeeding and allow me to have an easy time. I think of the milk coming in as payback for the whole C-section part of this process.

Second, I have had such a conflicted relationship with my breasts-- feeling self-conscious about their size and afraid of their significance in a misogynist society. I have hated on them and hidden them and misuderstood them for so long. In 1999 I did the Breast Cancer 3-Day walk to nourish more gratitude and compassion for my breasts, but still I had more moments of hate than love for my large breasts. So, having the milk come in that I will use (8 times a day MINIMUM) to feed my daughter feels like it may accomplish what 3 days of walking and fundraising could never do. These breasts give life. It's like a fuzzy picture that just came into focus. It's really a good development because there is no hiding these ladies. If I thought they were big during pregnancy, this is truly a whole new level. The bottom line is that I love them and they are doing such a good job. The proof of their power to give sustenance is that Miss Sadie gained 4 ounces yesterday. We got all kinds of props from the pediatrician for that. We are already looking back at my meltdown on Friday worrying that she wouldn't get enough to eat because she lost 7% of her birth weight. (Hospitals let them lose 10% before they take any action.) As I sit here right now, I am aware that my right hand is drenched and Jeff just came over to inform me that I am "leaking."

Leaking?

Holy dairy-ness, my body is leaking milk! It's totally prosaic and mothers have been doing this for as long as humans have had babies, but when it happens to you, it's like sci-fi or a miracle of Biblical proportions.

And, let's be honest. Everyone knows that breastfeeding is nature's way of taking the baby weight off the mom. I may be spouting off lots of Mother Earth thoughts and feelings, but I am also very vain and really really love the clothes I packed away over the winter as Miss Sadie grew in my belly. It's exciting to feel the body doing what it's supposed to do and one of those things is to have my daughter suck the fat out of my body so her body can grow. No gym for 6 weeks, but lots and lots of breastfeeding, which is more efficient and two of us win!

Enough about me, back to Sadie. She definitely liked the breast milk if her diapers are any indication. I think she may have overdone the first feeding because the subsequent explosive diarrhea and puking freaked her out so bad she was up from 1-4 and the nursery kicked her out because she could not be settled. Jeff and I are happy to be officially parents of a newborn who wants to sleep all day and eat and scream all night long. Like every parent before us, we wish we could figure out why she is crying and FIX it, both for her and for us. And, like every parent before us, we sometimes will be able to and sometimes will not. I have to get used to that crying because it's one of her precious few ways of communicating with us. So, just like my nipples need to toughen up so does my central nervous system, which threatens to crash when my baby cries. I almost can't wait for tonight to try again and see if we can swaddle better and soothe sooner.