How To Piss Off A Pregnant Lady

Ok, it's got to be done. Once and for all, I am going to memorialize the interactions that have pissed me off thus far during my otherwise blissful 25-weeks of pregnancy. It's a guide on how to piss me off during the next 15 weeks. If you are so inclined, here are some very quick and easy tips to getting on my bad side.

1. Give me unsolicited advice. Honest to Moses, I can't believe how much unsolicited advice I have gotten. From clients, and bosses, and strangers, and friends. Even those friends who work 12 simple steps to stay on their own sides of the fence-- yes, even they have committed this grievous error. The majority of the unsolicited advice is related to what books to read, how to find a baby name, what products and/or activities to avoid, and how to deal with work/pregnancy balance. It's astonishing to me that virtual strangers offer me suggestions for baby names -- a guy at Improv voted for Sophie and a junior associate working for me on a project ironically also suggested Sophie. All I know is that I am not naming my daughter Sophie because some strangers opined that they like that name for a little girl and that I should consider it. Someone else told me not to name my daughter "Molly," because Molly means "bitter." Well, slap my ass and call me Molly because I am very bitter now! That one was especially galling because I really love the name Molly and now I can't get that little "nugget" of wisdom out of my head. I have gotten more than one voicemail about what books to buy and read. I have gotten more than 5 emails about being SURE I let my job know about my pregnancy-- early and often-- since, after all, we are in a repression and allegedly my pregnancy is a ticket to job security when lawyers are be ejected from law firms like yesterday's law bulletin.

The karmic balance for all of this is that I have actually solicited plenty of advice from friends, therapists, fellow moms-to-be, as well as actual moms and dads. In the context of my requests for advice, I am pleased to report having recieved plenty of loving suggestions and realistic feedback that has kept me from landing in jail upon getting the other (read unsolicited) advice.

This is your surefire way to piss off a pregnant lady, though, so if there is one in your vicinity who's kind of bugging you and you want to just get a little jab in, go up to her and tell her that she should not be doing whatever it is she is doing, but instead she should be mindful meditation and pre-natal yoga on a daily basis. Do it; I dare you.

2. Blame Hormones. This hasn't happened to me very often, but the two times that someone has blamed my moods or emotions on hormones really pissed me off. Most people who interact with me know that I have always been very emotional and tempestuous, even long before Ms. Peppermint settled into my uterus. I am still having a fight in my head with the person who blamed hormones when I was upset about a senior attorney cussing me out for "dropping the ball" on a case in which all balls were firmly, and I do mean FIRMLY, in my grasp. When someone at work acts like an asshole and I react, that isn't my hormones, that's my finely honed sense of justice and fairness rising up when I am unfairly accused by some irrational, alcoholic control freak of not tending to my work. Blaming a pregnant woman's feelings on hormones is a way to diminish her reality and dismiss her legitimate feelings of outrage and fury. Believe me, you really don't want to do that. Keep your misogynist and belitting diagnoses about "hormones" to yourself.

3. Tell me a Horror Story. Yep, go ahead. Tell me about your sister's friend who's baby never slept more than 6 minutes in a row for about 3 years. Tell me about your aunt's nipple infection right after her baby was born. If you are really good, tell me about your niece's episiotomy or her horrible experience at the hospital you know I am going to give birth in. Those are my favorites. People love it. Why someone thinks I want to hear about the tear in some unknown woman's private regions is so beyond my comprehension that I don't know how to answer when I hear it. Do you think that pregnant women don't have enough to concern themselves with-- what, with trying to avoid getting listeria from turkey or Fifth's disease or falling down the stairs-- we don't have enough to do? It's not enough that my body, right as you are telling me something horrible-- is constructing a human body about 2 feet below my eye balls? This pregnant lady doesn't want to hear about anything horrible. If I wanted more morbid stories crowding my brain space, I would watch those Labor and Delivery reality shows on cable. Or I would watch the news or read Above the Law.

Next time you are tempted to tell a woman who is swollen with child something negative, scary, or just plain gross, don't. Tell her another story. Tell her about a baby you know that slept through the night after 4 days, or about woman who pushed for 10 minutes, without medication, and out came a healthy baby. Just because a woman's belly is swollen with child does not mean she wants her head swollen with grotesque and scary stories.

4. Judge Me. This is a good one too. This is almost as good as getting an email about law firms laying off pregnant associates. When you see me eating something, ask me about whether I am "allowed" to eat that, but use that special tone of voice that will communicate that you've already made up your mind about it. Please judge the decisions I have made about getting pregnant, our nursery, our money management, working after the baby is born, traveling with the baby, not traveling with the baby, vaccinations, exercise (or lack thereof), the shoes I am wearing, my bowels, my breasts, my hair, my friends, my sleep, my extracurricular activites, etc.

The truth is that I do this too. I judge other people-- plenty of whom are mothers and plenty of my judgments are about mothering-- and I don't like to be on the receiving end of it. I am working on my own release from judgments, which only makes it harder to experience other people's outloud judgments about my decisions. Not a fan at all. That's why it's number 4 on my list.

So how do you get or stay on my good side?

I sure do like hearing affirmations that I will be a good mom. If you can't bring yourself to do that, then feel free to affirm that Jeff will be a great dad. I also like hearing about your life and sharing my thoughts, feelings, and fantasies about motherhood. I like hearing stories about babies you love and your experience of being mothered. I like hearing your experience without any pressure to do anything with that experience other than hear you and take it in. I like hearing about what you are reading-- as opposed to what I should read. I like invitations to spend time with you doing what you like to do and joining in wherever I can.

Mostly, I like explicit expressions of feelings. If you are feeling fear, I would like to think I am open to hearing that. Don't hand it to me sideways with a story about layoffs or breasts that have fallen off from aggressive suckling.

I also like funny stories and jokes, especially if they are at the expense of someone who has committed any of the sins I have enumerated in items 1-4 above!