On Thursday morning at 5:30 a.m. Ms. Peppermint was dancing all around the womb. For about the 100th time since week 17, I put Jeff's hand on my belly to see if he could feel what I was feeling. And around 5:37 a.m., he felt it. It's a truly sublime feeling. She wriggled all over the place for about 20 minutes, and about 4 different times she threw a punch that I could feel from the outside. I fell back asleep with a huge smile on my face. I was so elated and proud that I didn't even care how loud Jeff was snoring.
So that's the ying.
Here's the yang: I have been feeling some achiness in my lower abdomen, which has been mostly fleeting since week 20. I haven't been too concerned because in every single pregnancy website, manual, or discussion, there is always talk about the stretching of the round ligaments that can be downright painful long about the second trimester when the true growing really gets underway. Last night I tried to walk part of the way home from work, but I felt that ache and decided to get on the bus and not push it. This morning it was achey again, so I called the doctor.
When the head nurse called me back, she suggested that I come in. I was sort of stunned because I have previously begged to come in and have an ultra sound or check the heartbeat (yes, first time mom) and they said they just had a cancellation so I should just plan to come in to rule out that I am dilated. Um dilated? I have seen that in the movies on and on Guiding Light and it comes at the very end of pregnancy.
So that's the ying.
Here's the yang: I have been feeling some achiness in my lower abdomen, which has been mostly fleeting since week 20. I haven't been too concerned because in every single pregnancy website, manual, or discussion, there is always talk about the stretching of the round ligaments that can be downright painful long about the second trimester when the true growing really gets underway. Last night I tried to walk part of the way home from work, but I felt that ache and decided to get on the bus and not push it. This morning it was achey again, so I called the doctor.
When the head nurse called me back, she suggested that I come in. I was sort of stunned because I have previously begged to come in and have an ultra sound or check the heartbeat (yes, first time mom) and they said they just had a cancellation so I should just plan to come in to rule out that I am dilated. Um dilated? I have seen that in the movies on and on Guiding Light and it comes at the very end of pregnancy.
Turn out everything with Pepps was really good. We got to hear her heartbeat again-- it sounded faster to me, but it's somewhere between 150-160. When we thought Jeff couldn't make it to the appointment, my friend Krista joined us. It's pretty fun having a posse at the OB/Gyn appointment. Turns out my cervix is perfect so there is nothing to worry about. Right?
Well, there is one teeny tiny thing. After spending a good three weeks eating mostly heathy food (Saturday, March 7 notwithstanding), I was disappointed to see my doctor gasp and wince when she saw my weight on my chart. By "disappointed," I mean devastated. She retreated when she saw I was going nuts on her: "Oh, you usually come in the morning and now it's afternoon, so that could really make it crazy." I wasn't buying it.
And, here I am. One of my greatest fears is that any worry or obession about my weight or food would interfere with my relationship with my daughter. I am so not available for that. I don't know what happened with my weight. I weigh backwards so I don't see the numbers, I haven't known my weight since March 1997 (it was 120 that day) and I have been given a fair measure of peace around the numbers, scales, food, etc. But, now there is this pull to be measured by my weight. The babycenter.com boards are full of frets and posts about weight gain and weight loss. This isn't Jenny Craig; this is pregnancy and I don't want to waste another minute worrying about my weight.
My goal is to have joy. My goal is to nourish myself and Pepps to the best of my ability without counting calories or playing compensation games. I am not willing to reduce this experience to the scale or the weight gain. Every second I spend thinking about whether I am gaining too much or if I should get to the gym more than I do is time I have missed connecting with my daughter, my husband, my world, my life. Believe me, there have been times in my life when I was more than content to check out and think about calories or work outs, but not now. Not with so much love and joy at my disposal every single day. It's right at my fingertips.
The doctor can gasp all she wants, but this little mama is surrendering the battle. I know where to find a spin class when I need it. For now, it's too violent for me and my daughter. I'm taking the gentler road that is way scarier for me. For now, it's time to slow down and glide along the surface of the water, instead of fighting my body like it's an enemy to subdue. The sooner I find peace with this vessel the sooner I can get back to counting kicks and looking up cute baby clothes.
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