Wedding v. Pregnancy

I have been much less prolific on this blog than on our wedding blog. I was wondering why that was, and I think there are several reasons.

First, the wedding really involved two consenting adults and was a much more public affair. I felt more comfortable expressing my neurosis and ambivalence and emotions about Jeff and marriage and commitment, as well as my excitement. Illusory though it was, I felt like I had more control over the wedding process. I also never fretted about the possibility of seeing blood when I went to the bathroom, which I do about 25 times every single day. And if you have ever been pregnant, especially over the age of 35, then you probably know exactly what I am talking about. The fear of something being wrong or going wrong or malfunctioning with my daughter is the most profound and humbling fear I have ever known. Every single gas bubble or ligament pull-- every tingle, ping, and unexplained senstation-- stops my heart for several beats, because I truly have no idea what is happening and if what I am feeling is a sign that everything is proceeding according to plan or if something is not quite right.

So pregnancy is very different from getting married. It involves a little girl I have never met before, whose very existence is my responsibility in many ways-- a responsibility I relish and accept and embrace, no matter how much it scares me. I believe one of the primary jobs of a parent is to protect a child, especially a super wee one, so I haven't quite reconciled how that fits into blabbing into the universe my every thought and feeling about this process. And, what's happening in my body is very sacred and private in some ways, though it's sort of obvious from a glance at me what might be happening. To say that this process has resulted in a little confusion for yours truly would be a tremendous understatement.

I am having lots more feelings about being a mom to Ms. Pepps these days. I feel possessed by a maternal instinct that is ferocious and deep. You would not believe how careful I am when I cross a busy street in downtown Chicago. Actually, I am the one who can't believe it! I used to dart around in my high heels trying to maximize my time getting from point A to point B. All the time consumed by the rush, the push, the H-U-R-R-Y. And now, just like our beloved economic slow down, my movements through time and space have slowed down in the same of saftey, comfort, and sanity. I haven't read about this in any baby books. But then again, I haven't actually read any baby books, other than the 2 I mentioned before I went on the big Baby Book Sabbatical.

It's also a time of great transition in my family. More ying and more yang. As Jeff and I get used to being married (almost 4 months), and being pregnant (6+ months), we head into Spring and the third trimester knowing that other big changes are coming. It's not actually my story to tell, but for this moment in MY blog, it's safe to assume that whatever Benevolent Force that is running my life has decided that it's time for more change and transition in my household and another test of my faith, my surrender, and my patience.

Oh how I love the unknown.