Step Away From the Pregnancy Books

This morning was the first time I picked up something recreational to read that was NOT related to pregnancy, prenatal nutrition, nursing bras, morning sickness or maternity clothes. It felt as foreign as reading Sanskrit or Hindi. And I liked it. I liked it a lot. The best part about reading non-pregnancy material is that when I was done reading and ready to move on with my day, I hadn't just acquired a new worry or new way to gauge whether (i) my pregnancy is "normal", (ii) I am doing this pregnancy "right", or (iii) I should be worried about some benchmark mentioned in the text. And because I am totally neurotic and pregnant, I can pick up almost anything with letters and find a reason to start worrying. I almost had a panic last week when I was out for brunch because the sign in the bathroom, "Employees Must Wash Hands Before Returning to Work," launched a fear fest about whether our not my server had washed her hands....and what about the cooks?.... or the produce guy who dropped off the veggies for my salad?....I mean, it's cold and flu season so maybe I just contracted something horrible that will hurt me or the Peppermint.

So you can see why even the most innocuous pregnancy book could really do some damage to my oh-so-fragile serenity. A friend of mine who is a brilliant ob/gyn (lucky her to have me at a dinner party describing each and every little pang, twinge or ache in my ever-growing body) gave me the Girlfriends Guide To Pregnancy and told me to STOP READING WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU'RE EXPECTING, because it has inaccurate information and tends to scare women. I didn't tell her that I had already read, highlighted and tabbed WTEWYE, and didn't recall that it was all that scary as long as I skipped the chapter on the "M" word-- (I can't even say it. I can't write it and I can't say it, but you can imagine a young, first-time pregnant woman would be scared of a word that starts with an "M" and is the greatest fear of my life to date). Anyway, because my mind is cunning and wily, I was able muster up a worry. I worried to myself, "women all over the world are wigged out by WTEWYE, but you were never freaked out at all. Are you sure you know how to read? What's wrong with you? Don't you love your baby enough to be scared witless when reading a book that millions of mothers (who are better than you) found to be abusive in its inaccuracies and scare tactics?"

Of course, what's done is done, so during my latest bout of not sleeping, I dove into the Girlfriends Guide and mostly enjoyed it. The only parts that were a little hard to stomach were the author's insistence on stereotypes about men: "your partner won't read any prenatal books..." or "your partner will be annoyed if your water breaks during the football game..." or "your partner may fear the arrival of the baby, because he wants to be the baby." I find stereotyping shallow and destructive for its power to reify false ideas and further divide the sexes, but her stereotypes also don't speak to my own experience. I am a bigger baby than my husband will ever be. I am the one more likely to be inconvenienced if the water breaks during Top Chef or a group therapy session. Jeff has read as much as I have and has a nesting instinct that makes mine look exactly like it is: thus far nonexistent.

The other thing I didn't like about the book was it's heteronormative viewpoint. In every instance I read, the "partner" was always a man (and he was always bullheaded, insensitive and needed lots of coaching from his Beloved wife). I know lesbian couples who might want to check this book out, but I would never recommend a book that completely ignores the myriad ways that people can have a baby.

Finally, the author is a little too body-hating for me. As she describes the later parts of pregnancy (third trimester), she has a lot of contempt for the oversized pregnant body but doesn't seem to own that. Chapter 10 is called "Looking the Best You Can," which perhaps has a place in a pregnancy book. I have no problem with the premise-- it's tough to find maternity clothes that don't make you look like Carol Burnett in some zany 1960's skit with Harvey Corman and Tim Conway--but her admonitions to women to eschew sleeveless tops when their arms get too big seemed misogynist to me: "Clearly, sleves that come down to just above the elbow can be our friend." She also reminds women to take at least a 6 second look in a full-length mirror before leaving the house, since our butts have a mind of their own and may embarass us with their girth.

Call me crazy pregnant lady, but I don't need to read about how I should hide my butt during pregnancy with a monochromatic wrap dress. I want to embrace every inch of this experience and I am done hiding. No thanks.

Did this book trigger any pregnancy fears or just my vigilant graduate-school-indoctrinated feminism? Of course! While the book is very gentle on the medical do's and don't's of pregnancy, there are some rare instances where she tells you to call your doctor right away. One of them is the obvious: cramping and bleeding. But, there was one I read about in the first few chapters which caused a tailspin that lasted a good 28 hours: She says that the build up of protein will cause your nails to grow faster and stronger. She cautions, however, that if you notice that your nails are still splitting and fragile, then call your doctor right away because you are not getting enough protein (and presumably neither is your baby).

WHAT?

I have been wondering where my pregnancy talons are. My nails aren't worse, but they aren't Patti LaBelle's nails either. I perseverated for a good 12 hours about my nails and the consequences before mentioning this to Jeff. Jeff heard me out and then reminded me that I pick my nails on a mostly contstant basis. My response to that was, "So?" I can't bring myself to call the doctor, but I am still sort of worked up about this. I told my co-worker, who is a new mom, about my nail concerns. She was not too impressed and remarked, "Well, it's winter. Winter is always hard on nails."

I am still processing this development and will bring it up with the doctor next week during our 15-week check up. I did get a manicure (formaldehyde-free polish) yesterday to see what happens if I stop picking. We'll see.

One thing's for sure: No more pregnancy books for me. Period.