Recovery

Right behind me, Jeff has Sadie draped in a black velvet cloth and is doing a photo shoot with her. (Results above.) She's being unbelievably game for this exercise, and he snapped about 800 shots before she called it a day. I am having a moment. I just read an account of a woman who was able to have a drug-free vaginal birth-- she went into pretty great detail-- and a wave of sadness has just descended on me. Actually, I already felt sort of sad because my uterus still hurts and so do my nipples. Happy to report to anyone who cares that Preparation H seems to be a miracle in a tube, but still. I want to have more energy and I want to not have this troublesome pain in my right abdomen, that is likely the site of the stitches in my uterus. I have been trying to wean myself off the Norco, the drug that the doctor prescribed for me. I am allowed to take one every four hours, but I am now doing about every 8 or 12 hours. Um, maybe that's why it hurts.

But I don't want to be on opiates anymore. I can't drive as long as I am on them. My appetite is all funky when I am on them and I am not keen on taking them while breast feeding Sadie. The result is that I have pain and I get all weepy and withdrawn, which even in my condition, does not seem like a family friendly alternative. Tomorrow is two weeks since Sadie's birth and when I think about what happened to my body, it seems like that it's not outrageous that it still hurts. I have taken yoga classes that took weeks to recover from. In the back of my mind, I wonder if I just let myself have the meltdown about how Sadie's birth transpired-- just let it all out once and for all-- maybe I would make better decisions about how to proceed with the pain and the recovery and I would take better stock of my options.

I also just read an article in the New York Times about a woman who describes herself as very tough. Her proof that she's not a pushover? She's had a drug-free vaginal birth and then refused drugs after a C-section. She's perfectly articulated my underlying beliefs: using drugs makes me a pushover, a woman who is not strong, a woman who copped out or didn't do her homework or didn't love her baby enough to growl, grunt, and chant through a natural childbirth. I am wimpy because major abdominal surgery laid me out so completely that I took drugs to recover from the experience of having my uterus stitched up while it was out of my body and sitting on the outside of my stomach. It's just one of the legion of debates that women engage in-- to work or stay home? Breastfeed or bottle? Pacifier or no? Drugs after childbirth or not? To indulge in the Bob stroller or "settle" for the $238.00 MacLaren?

Enough already. It wasn't a political statement for me to have a C-section. I don't really care what other women do/did/will do. While the personal may be political, for me, the only thing that matters is the personal right now. I don't really have time for all of this perseverating. I would rather be watching my daughter in her swing or talking to Jeff about Henry Louis Gates Jr.'s arrest for disorderly conduct. Or, most importantly, get some sleep so I'll be ready to be present when my daughter needs me in a few hours.