Bottle This Feeling

Big big day at my house. For approximately 20 minutes, I left the house BY MYSELF. No other living being was with me. That's the first time in 3 weeks that has happened. And I liked it. I liked it a lot. I also cried for the first 12 minutes of my walk. It's so freaking emotional to do anything right now. I left the house because Jeff was giving Sadie a bottle of my breast milk so we could experiment with me being able to run errands without her or allow Jeff to take a night feeding or let my parents feed her during their visit this weekend so Jeff and I can go out alone. Before I left the house, I was afraid she wouldn't take the bottle and I would have to deal with my feelings of being trapped and needing some more space or having to confront using formula.

When I walked out of the house into the coolish August breeze and everything was still outside my front door, I felt afraid about letting her go, loosening my grip on her as her ONLY source of nutrients, food, and the comfort that comes from a full belly of milk and a full mouth of breast. It's my first letting Sadie go so that others can be important to her. It seems entirely appropriate that Jeff would be able to take a turn feeding our daughter, but for three weeks the role as the ONLY feeder had a psychological grip on me that I didn't know until I stepped out this morning.

I walked through my neighborhood at a slow pace, partly because I was crying and partly because I am still incredibly tender and sore and sometimes in pain from the C-section surgery. I called my friends and left messages about the heroic action I was taking by letting my husband give Sadie a bottle of my pumped breast milk. I finally got ahold of my friend Bobby who is a father of four with another little boy on the way. He was incredibly supportive of the process of having lots of feelings about letting go and letting Sadie have new experiences that do not include me.

I also had the pleasure of confronting my own control issues. It was suggested to us that I leave the house so that the baby can concentrate on the bottle and not be confused or sense that the breast was nearby. In all honesty, I left the house for my own sake because had I stayed, I would want to "consult" (read control) and interfere with the process because of course, who knows better than I. Turns out that lots of people know lots of things and I don't need to monopolize the information about Sadie's food or pleasures or anything else. Sometimes, I just need to get out of her way.

Jeff called my cell about 5 blocks into my walk and said that everything was great and that she sucked down the 2 ounces I pumped very quickly. In fact, he thought she might be still hungry so I should probably head home.

Ahhh, the universe has mercy on me. It was the best possible outcome. Sadie and Jeff managed the bottle just fine; I got to get out of the house to peruse the neighborhood for a few minutes on my own while connecting with another compassionate parent who has been around a block or two; and Sadie still needed me. When I got home, there was an empty bottle, a happy dad, and a drowsy, but still game for more food, baby.

This is so good. I am breathing more freely. I am feeling excited about not having to drag Sadie to every drug store, therapy appointment, and errand around town. The whole point of having Jeff home during the beginning of Sadie's life was to give him and her the chance to build a relationship. I don't need a psychology degree to tell me that allowing them some space where I am not hovering around is a healthy dynamic for my whole family.