Last night I had one of my first pregnancy dreams. Actually, it was a post-pregnancy dream. In my dream, Jeff and I were shopping in J. Crew -- which is funny because the morning of our wedding I walked to J. Crew by myself to try on chinos, so it's a place where I go during major milestones. I walked in front of the mirror at J. Crew and lifted up my shirt to see my stomach. I was surpised at how flat it was considering I had just given birth. The feeling was utter joy and amazement that I ever got my pre-pregnancy body back. Then, I went to find Jeff in the men's section and, on the way, I saw a little baby in a stroller and started crying because I wanted to get back to my baby.
This is full of good signs.
First, I am very happy that somewhere deep in my subconscious I am willing to walk away from shopping to be with my baby. Sure, I always hoped that would be in there, but it's nice to get some confirmation from my very own psyche.
Second, I am not aware of any conscious fears about my body, but they have to be there right? I am an American woman after all and it would be statistically impossible if I wasn't worried about my weight. But, it's not a conscious worry. I am only aware of wanting to give Peppermint whatever the little one needs and avoiding the substances that would bring any complication to the process. On the pregnancy chat rooms there is a great deal of "chat" about losing baby weight. I am happy to be free of that. Right now, I don't care what happens to MY body during this process. Frankly, I am much more focused on what is happening with Peppermint's body. I just assume if my body is capable of making a human being with a little input from Jeff's body, then I am pretty sure that it will find it's way to an appropriate weight come about August 2009.
I guess there is more faith inside me than I give myself credit for. That is another VERY good sign.
Another good sign is that I project that my future does include clothes at J. Crew. While conscious fears about the SIZE of my body are buried, there are very real fears about what kind of woman I will be after the experience of pregnancy and full-blown motherhood. Will I wear sweats and elastic waist bands all weekend long? Will I still have any taste or will I just shop the Sears Spring collection on-line? Will I be so tired/harried/busy that showering will appear lower on my daily priority list than, say, number 7?
Because I don't know what I will look or feel like when this is over, I sometimes try on different flavors of mother-style. Will I be wearing high heels and 7 jeans by Labor Day ... of this year? Will I be carrying around my 6-month old baby in cute Lulu Lemon outfits or will we wear matching Lily Pulitzer outfits?
I would be lying if I didn't say that I liked the idea of Jeff accompanying me to J. Crew and wandering into the men's section on his own. I can totally see him as a metrosexual dad. I think I may be able to lure him there once I show him the extensive SALE section.
On another note, I think I am feeling the baby. This is slightly ironic because I sent out an SOS call to my new mom friends asking them when their first felt their kids. Both of them said not until 20 weeks. I am only 17 weeks and 3 days, but after all that crying and hand wringing, I realized that there is another senstation I started feeling last Sunday that is not GI business, but may seriously be the Pepps' going all Mia Hamm in my belly. When I lay down on my left side, and breathe with my hand on my belly (actually below my belly button, which I am told is actually NOT the belly-- whatever, I am a lawyer, not an anatomy expert), I sometimes feel this little jolt and feels sort of like a ripple that sends a sensation from my belly all the way to my heart. It's a weird feeling. Honestly, it feels a little like butterflies. It just kills me that I have been crying about not feeling the baby all week and despite all the evidence I didn't realize I actually was. This is so me. Vintage Christie. I literally have to be smacked in the face all week long, go through my little "I'm not as good as other mothers" process, and then I realized that I had what I was looking for all along. Could this be any more Wizard of Oz?
This is full of good signs.
First, I am very happy that somewhere deep in my subconscious I am willing to walk away from shopping to be with my baby. Sure, I always hoped that would be in there, but it's nice to get some confirmation from my very own psyche.
Second, I am not aware of any conscious fears about my body, but they have to be there right? I am an American woman after all and it would be statistically impossible if I wasn't worried about my weight. But, it's not a conscious worry. I am only aware of wanting to give Peppermint whatever the little one needs and avoiding the substances that would bring any complication to the process. On the pregnancy chat rooms there is a great deal of "chat" about losing baby weight. I am happy to be free of that. Right now, I don't care what happens to MY body during this process. Frankly, I am much more focused on what is happening with Peppermint's body. I just assume if my body is capable of making a human being with a little input from Jeff's body, then I am pretty sure that it will find it's way to an appropriate weight come about August 2009.
I guess there is more faith inside me than I give myself credit for. That is another VERY good sign.
Another good sign is that I project that my future does include clothes at J. Crew. While conscious fears about the SIZE of my body are buried, there are very real fears about what kind of woman I will be after the experience of pregnancy and full-blown motherhood. Will I wear sweats and elastic waist bands all weekend long? Will I still have any taste or will I just shop the Sears Spring collection on-line? Will I be so tired/harried/busy that showering will appear lower on my daily priority list than, say, number 7?
Because I don't know what I will look or feel like when this is over, I sometimes try on different flavors of mother-style. Will I be wearing high heels and 7 jeans by Labor Day ... of this year? Will I be carrying around my 6-month old baby in cute Lulu Lemon outfits or will we wear matching Lily Pulitzer outfits?
I would be lying if I didn't say that I liked the idea of Jeff accompanying me to J. Crew and wandering into the men's section on his own. I can totally see him as a metrosexual dad. I think I may be able to lure him there once I show him the extensive SALE section.
On another note, I think I am feeling the baby. This is slightly ironic because I sent out an SOS call to my new mom friends asking them when their first felt their kids. Both of them said not until 20 weeks. I am only 17 weeks and 3 days, but after all that crying and hand wringing, I realized that there is another senstation I started feeling last Sunday that is not GI business, but may seriously be the Pepps' going all Mia Hamm in my belly. When I lay down on my left side, and breathe with my hand on my belly (actually below my belly button, which I am told is actually NOT the belly-- whatever, I am a lawyer, not an anatomy expert), I sometimes feel this little jolt and feels sort of like a ripple that sends a sensation from my belly all the way to my heart. It's a weird feeling. Honestly, it feels a little like butterflies. It just kills me that I have been crying about not feeling the baby all week and despite all the evidence I didn't realize I actually was. This is so me. Vintage Christie. I literally have to be smacked in the face all week long, go through my little "I'm not as good as other mothers" process, and then I realized that I had what I was looking for all along. Could this be any more Wizard of Oz?
No comments:
Post a Comment