Dear Peppermint...

Dear Peppermint,

You mom really wants to do a blog entry right now full of rants and witty observations about the insane "advice" that people give pregnant women. Suffice it to say that it would be insightful, scathing and humorous. But, I decided to lean to the other side of my emotions-- away from the rages (hormonal and otherwise)-- and towards the love and tenderness I hope to share with you in equal measure with the rage and terror that you will no doubt see in me early and often in your life.

My number one priority in my relationship with you is to be a real person. And this real person has very intense feelings about any number of things, situations, people, memories. These intense feelings sometimes scare me and I often think about whether they will scare you too. Your dad does a good job of being mostly amused by my intensity, so I am hoping you'll have a good role model for detachment in him and a good role model for intense emoting in me. We are going to have a long and intimate life together and there is no use pretending, now or ever, that I don't feel things deeply or that I don't have extremely strong, fire-like reactions sparking almost all the time. I do. I am learning to love those parts of myself and when I see them in others. I actually can't wait to see them in you. The upside of emotional intensity is that I feel really alive and present. And, as for the downside, there really isn't one so long as I don't tell myself (or you, God forbid) that emotions of any flavor or intensity are "bad" or "wrong" or something to be ashamed of.

Another gift I would like to share with you is creating a home where you can see and experience your parents in a very happy, real, and loving marriage. Your dad sent me flowers on Tuesday with a card that said, "Happy 17th Week," referring of course to you! My vision is to be explicit with you about my love for your father and my commitment to our marriage and to our family. I believe that you will be enriched for being cared for by parents who love each other. Sometimes your dad and I fight and experience anger or loneliness or fear in our relationship, but that is part of having a real relationship. The best news of all for you is that you don't have to take care of either one of us. We actually take care of ourselves and one another so we can take care of you. I will have a very different relationship with you than I do with your dad, because he is my partner and you are my child. It's a good thing that I have certain emotional needs met by your father and that I believe my role is to meet your emotional needs. I promise to work on my relationship with him one day at a time so that you don't end up playing a role that an adult or a parent should play. I really love your dad and when I feel angry in our relationship, I have a lot of places to discuss and process that anger. I don't think that anger should be shared with you, because you deserve to develop your own anger and feelings both in your relationship to me and in your relationship to your father.

Also, I have no idea how to do any of the things I am visioning and promising to you. I am sure hoping it's a good start here at 17 weeks and 2 days to express my hopes and ask other parents how they do what they do. I think it's ok if we don't know what we are doing. Either one of us. I hope I can teach you to ask for help, which actually may be more important that really knowing what to do in the first place.

There is more to say about all of this, and I surely will stay in touch with you and myself and my world to get greater clarity on how to parent you and take in all that you will offer to me in my life.

I sometimes feel like I am holding my breath, literally, and perhaps holding back the intensity of my attachment to you until I see you again on the next ultrasound or see you in person. It's not working that well. You see, regardless of what I see or learn on the next ultrasound, you are mine and I love you and I am preparing for you like I have never prepared for anyone in my whole life. I am already utterly changed by you and your presence in my body and my mind and my heart. Of course I want you to be healthy and have all your parts, and waiting for confirmation about all of those things is not a good excuse to withhold my love from you (or myself). It's not a test. You don't have to have the right sized head or the right number of digits for me to love you and welcome you into my life. I love you no matter what and it scares the shit out of me.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Thank you.
I welcome you.
I love you.

Love,
Mom

PS: This is so much better than a rant, but I will confess that it hurts my heart to be so in love and so vulnerable.

PPS: And, still, for all that, I wouldn't have it any other way.